Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Humor 1

Funny (and sometimes wise) Sayings:

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Two wrongs might make a riot.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world; a pessimist fears that this is true.
Talk is cheap because the supply exceeds the demand.
It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
There are three signs of old age. The first is loss of memory, and the other two I can't remember.
Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
One tequila, two tequilas, three tequilas, floor.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the blonde girl sympathetically, "that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."
A young blonde was asked by a guy who had just made love to her: "Am I the first guy you ever made love to?"

"You might be," she replied, "Your face looks familiar."

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90 years old.
Appearing on the Dennis Miller show, Red Buttons announced he was 80 years old. He explained: Old is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. Old is when your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore, but just holds you up to the light.

And he adds: Sure I've gotten old. I've had 2 bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92 but. . .thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex! Supersex!"

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she again said, "Supersex!" He sat silently for a moment or two looking up at her.

He finally answered, "I'll take the soup."