Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Humor 1

Funny (and sometimes wise) Sayings:

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Two wrongs might make a riot.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world; a pessimist fears that this is true.
Talk is cheap because the supply exceeds the demand.
It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
There are three signs of old age. The first is loss of memory, and the other two I can't remember.
Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
One tequila, two tequilas, three tequilas, floor.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!

**********
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the blonde girl sympathetically, "that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."
*********
A young blonde was asked by a guy who had just made love to her: "Am I the first guy you ever made love to?"

"You might be," she replied, "Your face looks familiar."

*************
A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90 years old.
*********
Appearing on the Dennis Miller show, Red Buttons announced he was 80 years old. He explained: Old is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. Old is when your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore, but just holds you up to the light.

And he adds: Sure I've gotten old. I've had 2 bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92 but. . .thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
***********
A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex! Supersex!"

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she again said, "Supersex!" He sat silently for a moment or two looking up at her.

He finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

Humor 2

Wisdom of Will Rogers:


Don't squat with your spurs on.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
*********
A white man, a black man, and a Mexican sit down at a bar. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down right next to them. The three begin an argument over who will approach her first. Used to this, the woman turns to them and says, "Listen boys, I'm a woman of culture and whichever one of you can cleverly use both the words liver and cheese in the same sentence can take me home."

"That's easy," said the white guy. "I like liver and I like cheese," as he gestures for her to come over. "Oh, not good enough!" says the woman.

With that, the black man said "Aww shoot, don't be givin' me no liver and cheese!" and starts moving towards her. "No, no! That won't do either," the woman replies with a wave of her hand.
The Mexican looks at his friends like they are nuts, walks up and puts his arm around the woman, smiles and says. . ."Liver alone, cheese mine."
*********
Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle. . .especially in public. From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
********
A woman with a baby comes into the doctor's office. She is told to go into a room and wait for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Breast fed" she says.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor orders. She does. He presses, kneads and pinches both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he says, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."

"Naturally," she says, "I'm his aunt. But I'm glad I came."
*********
An elderly couple were experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class, where they teach you to remember things by association. Later, the man was talking to a neighbor about how much the class helped him.

"Who was the instructor?" asked the neighbor.

"Oh, let's see," pondered the man. "Umm. . .what's that flower, you know, that smells real nice, but it has those thorns. . .?"

"A rose?" offered the neighbor.

"Right," said the man. He turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the guy we took that memory class from?"
********
A Methodist man lives in a traditional Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday, the Catholics are driven crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the Methodist is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Methodist to convert him to Catholicism.

Finally, after much pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Methodist to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Methodist and says, "Born a Methodist, Raised a Methodist, Now a Catholic."

The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Methodist's house to remind him of his new diet.

They see him standing over a cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying, "Born a cow, Raised a cow, Now a fish."

Humor 3

Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "Seven days without pizza makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be de-lighted!"
In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait"
*************************************
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week this is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week an set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught any fish.

He says, "Yes, lot of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies, "I did, they were in your tackle box!"

*************
A man named Sam had been in the newspaper business for 25 years when he finally became sick of the stress. So he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible.

Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name's Enoch. . .your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. . .having a party Saturday. . .thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me!"

As Enoch is leaving, he stops, "Gotta warn you though, there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself. "Well, I get along with people. Don't worry, I'll be there. Thanks again!"

Once again Enoch turns from the door, "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. . .by the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the door one last time and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

An escaped convict, imprisoned for first-degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible, the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend to like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!"

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife said, "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years and he wasn't kissing my neck. . .He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you.

The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Osceola, Polk, Manatee, Orange and Dade Counties.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings. Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.


What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.